Well time was something I thought of differently in my last post. Now heaven has moved earth and I am now a Dad.... a Dad... a real life father... sometimes it's a pinch me and sometimes it's a OH! moment... but mostly it the melt my heart kind and also a longing to have been able to anticipate so much change that has happened to my life and also to my beloved... she is something I cannot describe without words that include awe, beauty, beyond, and soft part of my heart that is always hers... I do wish that when she is able to gain some sleep we could talk for a moment and I could really let her know without any desire of anything I want or anything in return that I am deeply grateful for the things she has allowed to happen in her life. I don't know if I have actually allowed for the same and it is with such chagrin and blind wonder that I kind of write today...
The chagrin comes from at times really being clueless to the numbness that appears to be present in my spouse and the awareness that is present when I sense her piercing gaze of loyalty or disapproval regarding my actions. I do know that I don't for the my own sake know when these moments occur and they seem to creep up on me and then I suffer from the foot in mouth disease in which some comment idea or concept comes flying out of my lips and lands on her ears which also appear to be another very sensitive and while delicate and endearing part of my wife, they tend to be the avenue by which she becomes aware of my idiocy and then no matter what I do I cannot seem to claw my way out of the trap, stop the bleeding or chew the leg off quick enough to be able to continue not feeling guilty for my own action. Ugh... what a description...
All I know is it seems as though there is a tendency as of late to see and experience more pain or exhaustion on my or my wifes face that the exuberance of being a dad or mom, or exalting in the delicacy of our newborn wonder.
Luke has been in my life for 3 months and every day I watch a miracle happen. IT seems as though he is expanding and growing that quickly. I note that he is probably at 3 months old almost doubled in size... makes me think about what the grocery bills will reflect in the coming years... If I doubled my weight within 3 months we would be needed some serious assistance.... Blue Bell here I come?
I have been blessed with work and praise God for it. Going to work for one of the major hospital systems was a true God send and I have been challenged and also met my families needs financially in ways I could or do not see having happened before I took the job. Increased stress has provided some want to return to old habits of eating too much and I have seen the waist line expand from such frequent embibing at the Blue Bell counter... hmm maybe the above comment could be something of truth and maybe I do have the chance of changing and becoming more rounded in nature... mind you not in the healthy sense.
I could not be more proud or more in love of my wife as I noted above, but I have had some difficulty in understanding or knowing the new language that we seem to have created lately with the introduction of a sleeping or crying infant nearby... pssst... can we talk?... seems to be a frequent request, while hope for a moment of shut eye appears to be the only thing that she really wants herself. This does provide some peace for everything, but also adds to the grunting and lack of really talking about what is happening... when she began getting Starbucks frequently... that was a sign.
We will celebrate 5 married years in June. Life has qualities of before baby and after baby now and this uncertain time appears to be moving more quickly than I thought. My impression would be at least a little rose sniffing and some connection that provided romantic notions and being ok with each other, but both of us appear to have released those thoughts, and stress has invaded like 2 pit bulls who have not eaten in 24 hours.
Well this whole thought and message is a bit extremist, but it helps to let go and release my thought processes in this manner... Bottom line... I love her. I love him as the outcome of my love for her, and I am going to do what I can to provide, grow, and bend in ways to meet the needs that they appear to be asking for... How do I interpret and know what it really being said??? Lord Jesus help me, heal me, show me, be for me what I cannot do for myself.
Love, Hun and Dad
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