Lord I need to know that you have everything under control. I am weak and very very lost at this time. We are so scarred from the battle that seems to have weakened us. Lord we want to reflect your glory as the message was about yesterday at church, but I am sitting here feeling so drained and down. I feel tears on my cheeks and wonder if you know what each of them mean. I seek your face, and yet in the pit of my stomach I am uneasy and feel insecure about what is happening to my family. My wifes tears today were so comforting and yet so expressive of how I was feeling too. I don't know what to do and when I seek you and turn to you I find answers that I was not expecting. You have revealed your will in my fathers work at stonebriar. You have revealed that my father is not the person for northwest. You have sent dear friends half way around the world to share your word with others and I am happy they are doing what you called them to do, and yet I still feel a loss or a sense of something out of place every time I go to Saturday breakfast without them. I see that you have blessed me with a place to do my practicum, and I have the chance to graduate from school in May. Things seem to be on track with these things... I still need to see you in all this. I know you would not have me be doing what I am doing if in some way it did not benefit your kingdom.
Losing my family members from being near me is something I should accept as part of the kingdom process, but my heart has a harder time releasing them. You are using my sister far far away from me and I know that is what you called her to do. And yet I miss her deeply. It looks as if I will miss my parents should you call them to build your kingdom elsewhere other than Dallas. Its really scary for me. Its really hard for me. Its really really really frustrating for me to think that dreams of having family close to me for a good portion of my life for me and my wife are slipping through the fingers as if we were holding sand. Lord, I just hurt thinking about losing those who are closest to me. I know I have my wife and my own life to live and follow, but I am not always ready to reliquish my past relationships to you and your kingdom. I feel selfish in thinking that they should always be near, but then I know they are where you called them to be, but I feel my security nets gradually being taken out from under me and I am not sure that I want to perform my act without a net.... ok... you tell me you are the only net that I need...
I just really really feel sad.... and hurt....and scared. Lord, the dreams I dreamed are not what is happening... when did I stop dreaming your dream?
Where is your dream? What is your purpose? Can I have peace with what you will?
I'm just lost in this moment and quite angry that life is no where near what either of us thought it might be... I don't want to be angry, but that is what I feel and a sense of loneliness and longing to know and be secure.
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