Loss of Joy and Desire for Forgiveness

After posting what I posted last night it made me realize that what I am reflecting a lot of right now is not from what is around me but its reflecting parts of my heart that are dark, selfish and joyless. I have not desired this to happen and there are so many parts of life that have become grey and discolored. The brightness of life has become a dull color. This is a new experience for me in our marriage as it is something that is quite difficult for both of us to handle. I want to apologize if people have read my former blogs and found it tasteless and negative. The point of my writing has been for the purpose of expressing my heart and at the moment its now been anything pretty or lovely to know or understand. I am rebelling against the circumstance. Attempting to find my own joy and peace instead of having a heart of acceptance and openness to what the Lord desires. I know that sometimes its healthy to express our misgivings and stress, but not when it creates sin in my life and affects the lives of others around me. I apologize and I desire to change. I know its not overnight, but it starts with believing in repentance and wanting to seek the Lord.