Pensive

the following is just going to be a stream of thought that I need to get out so that it won't be anything fancy but it could turn fun... enjoy if you read these things. despair if you don't.


Going to the doctor today and that is something that has a tendency to increase anxiety. I was not thinking this morning and had a banana... what this means is I don't know if I will be able to do the blood test or not. They get so much out of that stuff. At times I have wondered how things are this year. I am 40 this year and into a new decade and don't know what quite to think about this but that I know that I am trying to be healthy. I have lost 5 pounds but beyond this is seems to allude. Maybe I should just focus on the 5 pounds and be happy. I know that it may stress me to look at the other way and that without contentment in my spirit about it, the stress may be doing more damage than I desire. hmmm anyways... yahoo! I have lost 5 pounds! mmm that feels different to say and I feel good to compliment me rather than tear me down. I know that I am loved and I know that I can love but loving me is a challenge with the view that I keep of myself. I have learned recently with the interactions at work that I have that this is not uncommon and while that gives some peace, the thought that others are just as caustic to themselves is sad. I find that my internal world seems to be in conflict a lot lately because of the want to be and do things that just don't appear to be happening or having enough this or that or that the work and world is in decay and so some days there is energy to move against the pain and others the pain of life just overwhelms and I move through with choosing the easy and others I rub against the raw ways of life. I know that whatever way that I take the Lord says that I will come forth as Gold, but that in the midst does not always calm or suffice to make sense that its still painful. I am seeking a respite I think from old belief or new belief that somehow life is against me and I against it. I sense the despair in people a lot because some would see me not pursuing happiness at all but pursuing sadness and attempting to get people to emote their thoughts and feelings in a space where there is healing and calm. I try and then they have to accustom and stuggle and try too... part of me just does not want to add the pain of their struggle to mine, but I think that my attitude has become somewhat calloused and uncaring at times as I join people in the pain that they are sharing and that its just something wrote to me or going through the motions and does not have the freshness or joy that it seemed to before. I think really that is because I have lately been getting into insights about people that are really about their sin nature that I cannot change for them neither can they unless the surrender to Christ, but I kind of don't know what to cling to or hope for them if they are not willing to explore spiritual things. It seems that their nature at times is so harsh and that the antidote makes sense to me but what they believe about the antidote is what matters and they are not me with my set of beliefs.... ok so I can be a coduit or catalyst... that is good, but those moments of true change have been alluding me as I have worked with a lot of people who have not been really exhibiting signs or symptoms of getting better as I would desire them to be. I wonder if its something personal but then tend to know that its not be because the nature and healing is not mine but that I have to let go and allow the things to happen that need to happen occur and that is hard to watch at times. Yesterday I watching and heard and cared some for the group, but it was one of the moments when something or someone sharing the pain did not appear to increase the health of the group and I started worrying about the health.... but its still not up to me to determine health.... ugh.... I need to figure out how to give up and just allow myself some rest to stop attempting to know or fix and be in the moment. its hard to be in the moment when I am attempting to guard and defend myself though and thats a struggle. Personality disorders lately have been hard to cope with because they are like sword fighting.... and sometimes its just easier to give up and be cut... but I don't want that either.... Dear Lord be my guide, my tower, my rock and my Redeemer today. In Jesus Name because He Saves -- Amen