and I can't seem to stop it. Its my tears....I look at myself and I think that this should be some of the happiest times of my life, but the little things are somehow bigger than they should be lately. Today was a sad day. A day that no matter what I did I felt like I could not make the best choices to be able to keep my head from bowing in defeat of yet another hurt or pain to experience. It was successful that I was able to spend it with the love of my life, but I can't imagine what she might be thinking or perhaps part of her might hope that I snap out of this tailspin as soon as I can so that I can dry my eyes and face the world again with not such a sensitive spirit. I long for that to happen. To somehow wake up and all of this was just a dream. Some days you just have to wash your hands to be done with the crap of the world that exists in life.
I feel like I look many places for genuine connection and friendship and yet I must not be searching outside my marriage in the right places. I had genuine interaction and love at one point in my outside friendships, but sometime through the process of focusing on my closest and dearest relationship with my wife those outside friendships moved on or away and I wonder if I have become imbalanced and now am trying so hard to run as fast as I can to the other side of the heavy load that I seem to be carrying, that I don't know if I can get there in time to keep it moving forward. I don't want it all to drop and cause an earthquake, but there are times in my life where I feel like I have been rocked to the core of my belief system and this last summer has been one of them. I feel like I have been so naive to have become comfortable with enjoying where life was at that now am in over my head and the waters are seemingly insurmountable. It would be great to have some friends that would be able to help unpack my load and carry some of it away for me, but the efforts that I have attempted to make to check out, search out, and seek out previous men and women in my life, have yielded a dead end and seem to be indicating that I need to gather my most cherished and valued relationship and circle the wagon to protect myself from learning about more of the wagon train that I thought I was a part of has moved on, or I have become the thing they don't want to face. We can interact and communicate about everything but the elephant in the room. Thank God for my wife.... she knows all my elephants, but sometimes I wonder if my elephants get any bigger will she have the strength to carry on. Perhaps I need to find how to begin to eat it a piece at a time, or let it die.... the thought of letting it die is hard. It seems like ignoring the problem is not a solution, but that is what several of our friends who we were connected to and who we cared about and assisted us in our wedding just barely a year ago have expressed to us. They are fine with being our friend, but for us to have a mutual relationship where they might carry our burdens as much as we might carry theirs seems to be out of reach and I find myself alone and wondering why things are the way they are... I'll never know.... I'll never know the why... I can only grieve heavy losses, ask for the ability to not be bitter, and live a shell shocked life of uncertainty and loss until my fortunes could possibly once again be restored. I hurt to know that I cannot share or relate or interact and find assistance in healing a part of me with people whom I had related to and hoped loved me as much as I desired to love them. But they don't and I need to find my healing with my God, who cannot have let me down, but hopefully is preparing a place for my wounded heart to lay and be comforted.
It really really really sucks and has had such after effects that somehow in the midst of things because my dad no longer is able to be a part of a ministry that it has now effected my relationships and caused me such sadness, that I am unable to heal with the people that knew me and they have professionally distanced themselves from me basically asking me not to come to them for processing because they don't want it to have an effect on their outlook with the same ministry that my father once was a part of. Sure we can be nice and civil and talk about the latest things happening in life, but we can't talk about the white elephant.... It did not even happen to me and yet it has changed the way I interact and relate to people who just a short time ago were celebrating our life and marriage... When things are good, everyone want to celebrate and be in on the party, but when things are bad you find there are very few real people who are willing to love you for what and who you are. I am glad that one of them is my spouse, but at the same time, I hope that I am not burdening her so much that it is stressing our marriage to where the elephant becomes something we can't just handle alone.... where is some help?
Sure! the Lord is my help... he is there but in this process outside of me and Amy... I feel like when I turn to people who I think might give me a listening ear and know the circumstance, I only receive rejection.... all of the men who were associated with my church that are in leadership positions have asked me not to share my heart with them and so now I feel like I am an outcaste from people who should and would have the training to help me process my feeling..... so many dear relationship which I placed value upon seem to be drifiing away.... where do I go from here? Where can your spirit be found, Lord? Where can I meet with you and find healing for this heart of mine which is fearful and saddened. You tell me in your word that there is no where that I can flee from your presence, and so knowing that you are here, why would you have leaders of the church that I have known now become inaccessible to me and unwilling to interact with a part of my life because they are fearing their own safety or retribution if they were to interact or participate in the pain I might share with them. I stated to one tonight that I realize that I am not hear to cause them any harm or to cause any discord in their interaction with what the Lord has called them to do, but now I just feel a little more distant, a little more cut off, a little more wary of men who are looking out for their own interest and not the interest of others. However I know I am a hypocrite because I am asking them to look out for my own interest which is trying to attempt to understand why I hurt and why they choose to add to my pain by telling me they are unwilling to meet me at a place which might cause them grief. I put so much stock and respect in the church leaders, but when all of the sudden the head honcho makes it so that what I have known in the church was nothing short of love and that is no longer able to be fully there, somehow I am unable to divorce my feelings from the situation and overlook the offence of feeling like I can care about what you care about but if I am to share a part of me that truly hurts and needs to be healed with the help of people who can be skilled heart surgeons, and I want their help to do so but I am unable to get their help because they don't want to jeopardize what they have, there is a strong realization that I am surprised more men or women don't choose to divorce themselves from the church because of how hurt and embittered they might have become over disagreements and misunderstanding because at times the church is seemingly the most messed up place I have ever known.......
I just long for a group of men who I could know now and not years in the future after having put in the dues who might doctor my pain.... I hurt.... I hurt... I hurt.
How is hurting like this going to lead to something better?
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