thoughts...

man works for what end? Ecclesiastes.

what is my greatest fear? to be un-loved.

do I believe that Jesus is greater than my fear? yes. He is love.

if I fear something... but Jesus is greater... what should I fear? perfect love casts out fear.

Heaven...

I wonder what the house will look like when I get there... He spoke of mansions...
If the streets are made of pure gold they will be see through... pure gold is clear.

to know perfect peace... oh to know perfect peace... I don't have perfect peace here in my earthly vein, but perfect peace will be in Heaven... perhaps the closest peace here on earth is to know Jesus...

I had a radical day that brought questions and abstract thought to me today... in the midst of raging emotion I was challenged by how incredible God is when He wants my attention. The last 2 years of my career have been taxing and significantly stressful to say the least. I have picked up some bad habits in fearing my plight and life and the directions that I am walking... running... or just stopping and staring while the wind blows among the thistles beside the path of my career. Even the sound of the wind among the weeds and thorns is haunting and hollow. I long for new growth.

For the past 2 years I have exerted endless amounts of energy pointedly and doggedly determined to keep myself from succumbing to some unknown tragedy, life altering event, or distinct pain of loss. Stress is all too familiar to me and I know only that I can delight in nothing that I am, because I have bent myself forward and backward to the whim of my own fancy and its never moved me an inch closer to security within my career.

When I attempt to control all others but me, I fail. When I control me and become internally focused, I am the worst of judges toward myself and listen to accusatory words condemning me and desecrating what God deems is a holy temple.

I was humbled today when God wanted to enter my world.

Has another Christian ever looked you in the face and given you a tract sincerely and without qualm stating that this is something that they would like you to review...

I had this happen to me today. Surely the woman whom I had never met on my delivery of assorted goods to her place of business, meant every good intention for me as she quietly and reverently passed me a tract of the Good News of Christ. I was caught abrupt and off guard. All I could stammer politely to her question of if I would take and read it was...

"I do, ma'am".
"I believe in Christ."
"May I take it and give it to another?"

My thoughts were ablaze.
I wanted to quickly push forward with my day, as I turned to move out the lobby door and seek out the button in the floor lobby to call the elevator for the return trip down its shaft to my waiting vehicle. Before I left the stately presence of the office though, I asked...

"What does CPF stand for?" the initials of the company on the ticket I had in my hand.

"Center for Personal Finance" replied the woman whom I had just interacted with in dropping off the food for her office.

I stepped inside the box, when it came. Looked down at the blue booklet in my hands. Still stunned that someone had handed me a tract. Me... a Christian for 28 years... a devout follower of Jesus... a person who clings to Christ in a time of need...

Thoughts of whether or not I really was a Christ follower flooded my mind on my descent to the ground floor. Were my actions without reproof that morning? Hardly...

It was me who had destroyed any witness I had that day with his co-workers because of the extreme and uncivil conduct I had just displayed in anger prior to leaving the store when I had been told to package an order to take on a run and then reprimanded and told to refrain from continuing to package a catering order because a co-worker had objected to my taking the order because it was not fair that I should get the order when we had not drawn for lots as to the order of the day the drivers would proceed in...

Sure my co-workers know me as a good man, but do they know the motivation and reason for my goodness?

The blue tract made me question my faith, and also revealed how weak I am as a man and how much I need a Savior to cleanse me moment by moment... day by day.

I don't know what I will do with the tract, but I will never look at it the same again. I need to know the love of the Savior just as much as my fellow co-workers and yet have I shared that with them? Not in the slightest.

Lord, you convict me on all counts. Help me to seek moments of my day to seed Your holiness into new ground, fertile soil, and protect me from my own anger that is unbecoming and dishonorable to the temple which you desire to display a witness to the world I work and play in.

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